Fatherless, yet Not

Tonight I watched the movie Courageous, it was a great movie and after watching the extra's I loved the heart of the director and the reasons behind the movie. I must say as I watched and amazing movie about men being fathers I was reminded of the absence of my own earthly father. It spoke to the hurt in my heart, at this moment I have not heard from my dad for about six weeks. I wish that our relationship was not this way, I wish that my dad was active in my life that would desire to protect and cherish me. Then I am reminded of my Heavenly Father is perfect in his love for me! That He rejoices over me, not because of me but because of Christ and his sacrifice on my behalf! That I have significance because I am made in his image, and I look like both my earthly father and my Heavenly Father it is so great!

It is great that the Lord has reminded me of his faithfulness but I must be honest I would like to have someone on this earth that was a dad to me. Then I am reminded of my step-dad who pasted away last december he was great. I could always depend on him to be there for me to support me and affirm me. I miss him often. I am also reminded of the men from church who take the time to care for me and give me counsel. The Lord has blessed me in the fact that he is my Heavenly Father and by all the great men who have blessed me with their kindness as spiritual fathers.

Sophomore Year

I am not on facebook right now, so I thought I'd update you on life. I'm in my sophomore year at Moody-Spokane and if I told you I absolutely loved it so far this year I'd be lying to you. This year has been hard. I know your wondering why, I'm going to tell you:)

For living this year I was living with a family and it was good I was afraid. I was afraid of getting to close to them, I was afraid of life becoming to personal and I was uncomfortable because I was not close to campus and my peers. All of these things were true but they were also cover-ups for my hearts fears and mistrust. I was not use to the Lord giving me such good things such as friends that would accept and love me no matter how tough it got. I ran away and by that I mean I moved out and into a college house with a lot of girls where I could hide and not get close to people and keep my guard up.

In the mist of moving houses I moved churches. I moved churches out of frustration and immaturity. I left because I did not like the way the pastor handled his dislike of the Bible College student attitude. He handled it by being sarcastic and a bit harsh toward us Bible College students. Instead of me talking to him I just left the church and went to a church that I had been going to bible study at last year.

This year as a sophomore has been hard because I've had a hard heart toward the Lord and his people. What I mean by that is that the Lord has had lessons for me to learn and I simply did not want to learnt them. One lesson He wanted me to learn is that I can trust him and that he is good. I had a difficult semester academically because of one class that was a lot of information gathering and detailed information at that. The prof was super smart and expected us to be as smart as he was and I just wasn't there and so I felt discouraged most of the time.

So due to my self induce isolation and lack of desire to learn from the Lord this last semester was hard. Even in my disobedience I see how the Lord blessed me. I was never allowed to walk away form the Lord. The Holy Spirit kept me and guarded my heart from utter disobedience and walking right into destruction. I am thankful for this valley because I see my Father's care for me and his endless pursuit even when I run away.

Over break my Father allow me a time of rest and I was able to learn from my mistakes for the last semester. So as this semester has started I have been blessed to be able to be in community more with other believer's and through that being propelled to be with my Father is secret and pray to him in secret. I have seen growth spiritually in the fact that I want to commune with the Lord and that I want my life to be his and that means my time, money, thoughts and sexuality and purity to be His and His alone!

Hope you enjoyed reading!

Angel